Darwin, we need to talk......

Darwin, can we talk for a minute? When we first met it was definitely a case of love at first sight.  Your tropical sumptuous gardens, soft breezes and unconcerned attitude swept me into your hands without resistance.  The lingering aromas of frangipani and hibiscus lured me further into your grasp with the enchanting smells of the tropics.  The wide open spaces of a city unsurpassed by any other, ancient fig trees sheltering the casual walkers below with a protective staunch like that of a caring parent.  But that was 10 years ago; we were both different back then and I now realise how we have grown apart.  The gentle tropical swagger has been replaced with a strict march of progress, the easy going atmosphere being replaced by the slick and clinical high rise apartment s and multi-storey car parks.  The tropical gardens are reduced, covered in concrete and the sweet fragrances of flowers replaced by stale beer of backpacker night clubs and burgeoning traffic fume’s.  And that’s OK.  I’m happy that you have found a direction to move forward with and grow into a city like every another city before you has done.  You are the queen of the fastest growing economy within Australia. But in the process, it has cut the tie that bound me to you over all these years of separation.  We have grown apart and I wish you well.  I will always remember what we had and cherish the fond memories of our times together.  Take care Darwin and I will see you again in the future.

Life in Darwin

It’s amazing what affect environment can have on a person’s psyche.  I recently spent a week back in the realms of family and old friends in my hometown and it was gratifyingly refreshing.  The instant I stepped off the plane and back into a past life I felt comfortable.  Confident.  Sane.  I have struggled with my new surroundings of Darwin for a few weeks since leaving my job and searching for a different direction.  So many questions and doubts have swirled around me.  What to do from here?  Am I going to find something to keep me happy in Darwin? Should we have stayed in New Zealand?  Why won’t it rain when they say it will? I feel a little dazed with the amount of uncertainty that I am currently experiencing.  Having time off to do what I want when I want sounds great, but the reality is far different.  Carrying this sense of uncertainty around saps the energy and motivation out of me.  I feel very little inspiration to spend time doing the things I love –writing, mosaics, photography – and the heat destroys any enthusiasm to enjoy any outdoor activities – walking, gardening, bird watching.  Returning to cooler climes and friendly faces gave me feelings of delight and relief. Being in a place that felt familiar and welcoming gave me inspiration and foresight and a new found sense of clarity.  I think I know what needs to happen next.

When you don’t give up, you can not fail.

Lana Del Rey

My favourite song at the moment, although it makes me feel a little mournful.  Is that a good thing?

Something amiss?

Don’t get me wrong, I did miss Australia terribly when I was living in New Zealand.  I often wrote of my desire to hear the morning chorus of native parrots, the aroma of eucalyptus and the vast open skies.  I longed for the fierce displays of native flowers and the butterflies that danced around them.  I missed the kangaroos observing silently as people went about their lives in the countryside and the snakes and goannas not afraid to live in the company of humans.  And now I have all of this, and more.  So why do I feel there is still something missing?  Something that I left behind in New Zealand.  Is it a case of the grass is always greener on the other side meaning no matter where I am, I will always be looking for new grass to stretch out on?  Maybe I am simply not appreciating what I have when I have it and for some reason feel things were always better in the past or will be better in the future? I have always been the sort of person that moves from one adventure to another and often wishes for the next one to start as soon as the current one begins.  A lack of patience some might say.  Or not stopping to enjoy the moment I am in because I am thinking too much about the moments passed and the ones yet to come. 

So, where does that leave me?  I have the realisation of what I feel is senseless, almost offensive, and yet I continue to hold on to it.  Is this which drives me from one adventure to the next and maybe without that deep seeded feeling, I would fall to the ground and hold tight for fear of change? Perhaps it is the motivator for all things I do, but I am letting it get too much control over my choices?  Whatever the answer to my searching queries, the impact will be the same.  Get up, shake yourself down and look at where you are.  Every moment is fleeting so enjoy the experiences they bring through your heart and live life with the spirit of contentment.   What I am feeling is not to be ashamed of or changed for it is part of my psyche, of what makes me ‘me’.  Why would anyone, let alone myself, want to change that?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Well, this is embarrassing!  So long and not a word from me.  It is unforgivable.
So what happened? I am not sure myself really.  Life was going along great, I thought I was settling in with a new groove and nothing was out of my reach.  It's easy how the brain can convince the soul that all is well, when really there is a monster lurking in the shadows of your mind.  But a milestone has been reached, the monster destroyed and I'm starting to feel groovy once more.  Lets get re-acquainted.

Tomorrow is fresh, with no mistakes in it.  ~L.M. Montgomery